went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
