Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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