Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
