YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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