why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
