my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
