I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
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I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
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You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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