i need an iv and a liver transplant
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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