i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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