She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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