Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
