i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
