we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
