I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
