wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
