It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize