If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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