her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
