it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
