I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
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