Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
