I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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