Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
