Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
