I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
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so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
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I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
How does it feel to date your dad?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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