I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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