nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
