Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
sarcasm needs its own font
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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