It's Friday. Sex?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
