I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
