I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We named our party play list daddy issues
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
