I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
