He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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