The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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