i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
