I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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