this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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