I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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