Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
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Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
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Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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