Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
