i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
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She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
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there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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