the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize