We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
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No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
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Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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