i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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