i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
