i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
