I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
