I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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