Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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