The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
