I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Sober January is a disaster.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
