At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
