Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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