My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
