Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
