I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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