can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
