I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
we're so committed to being not committed
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
