I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
